I confess, I get the urge to wear stilettos lots of times: On first dates, to the office, even to what you could possibly categorize as a questionably appropriate place like a Sunday morning family brunch. But the urge to be that fabulous has never, ever struck me at the beach. And do you know why?

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Because wearing high heels with a bikini is ridiculous.

I first spotted ’em on Heidi Montag when she “married” Spencer Pratt for the first time in Mexico on an episode of The Hills last year. She emerged from her villa in a teeny bikini and a towering pair of stilettos and I thought, the only reason I’d ever have to wear high heels at the beach is…if an MTV crew were outside my door filming me! And even then, it feels a little porn star-ish, no? Then I watched as Danielle from the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the drama queen we all love to hate, strutted around her pool in the ‘burbs wearing a pair. Then, just this past weekend, Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 23rd birthday with a poolside party Las Vegas, where she wore a pair of fringed platforms with a very sexy Herve Leger swimsuit. What gives, girls?

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PHOTO: WireImage

MALIBU, CA – MAY 24: Kim Kardashian attends Nivea and Shay Todd’s “Bikini Bash” at Nivea Beach House on May 24, 2009 in Malibu, California. (Photo by Stefanie Keenan/WireImage for PMK)

Is a bikini, ie the absolute smallest form of clothing deemed acceptable for public display, not sexy enough for you? I know stilettos are a go-to trick for feeling svelte, but even an eight-inch pair of Louboutins can’t save you from your spare tire when you’re in a two-piece. As for practicality, you might be able to walk about six inches in the sand before faceplanting in those babies. Poolside? Safety first, dolls! Wet concrete and Givenchy don’t mix! And frankly, the whole look feels about as authentic to me as a highly choreographed dance sequence that everyone “suddenly” breaks into at the senior prom. I’m not buying it. In fact, it’s so contrived that I can hear strains of “bow chicka bow wow” in the background just looking at these pictures, because the only thing a high-heels-bikini-combo is good for is making sleazy guys think naughty thoughts.

Please girls, I beg you: Save your stilettos for the dance floor. Invest in a nice pair of flip flops for the beach, like the rest of us. Nobody will think any less of you. Except maybe producers from the adult film industry. And that’s maybe not the worst thing.

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Photos: top, Splash News; bottom, Stefanie Keenan/WireImage